


The Hobbit: A Sarcastic Tale

by stardust_moonbeams



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: BAMF Bilbo Baggins, Bearded Dwarf Women, Dwarf & Hobbit Cultural Differences, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarf Gender Concepts, Gen, Hobbit Culture & Customs, M/M, Overprotective Dwarves, Sassy Bilbo Baggins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27663361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_moonbeams/pseuds/stardust_moonbeams
Summary: In hole the ground lived a very sassy and spiteful hobbit.Now I'm not sure what tales you've been told but I truly do assure you that Bilbo Baggins has never been meek, and a company of dwarves have no chance in waylaying him. His tongue is as sharp as any sword, though his dagger is of great aid too.So here is the story of a wonderful, brave, sarcastic hobbit, and the time he loved thirteen idiots.Based on the idea Bilbo is a sassy shit
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins & Dwarves, Bilbo Baggins & Thorin Oakenshield, Bilbo Baggins & Thorin's Company, Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	The Hobbit: A Sarcastic Tale

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort. This hobbit-hole was the best hobbit-hole in all of Hobbiton (and would and could never _ever_ belong to _any_ Sackville-Bagginses, thank you _very_ much). This hobbit-hole belonged to an average hobbit, in an average time of life. As such, our story begins on a mostly average day.

Bilbo Baggins sat on his garden bench spluttering, that blasted old wizard did not seem to get the hint of him ignoring him. Sighing quietly to himself he blinked and looked up, taking a breath to prepare himself to speak.

"Good morning." Bilbo lilted with fake cheer and sarcasm. He inwardly sighed at Gandalf's response.

"What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?"

"All of them at once," bit back Bilbo snarkily. He sighed as he took in a puff of smoke, it suddenly felt like it would be a _very_ long day. "And a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain. If you have a pipe about you, sit down and have a fill of mine! There's no hurry, we have all the day before us!" Bilbo puffed out smoke in a beautiful grey ring that sailed up into the air without breaking and floated away over The Hill. He wished and prayed Gandalf would either leave (preferable) or sit down (less preferable but at least Bilbo wouldn't have to stare up quite as far).

"Very pretty!" complimented Gandalf. "But I have no time to blow smoke-rings this morning. I am looking for someone to share in an adventure that I am arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone." 

'Yes,' Bilbo thought, 'It shall be a _very_ long day indeed.' Still he tried to deter the wizard.

"I should think so - in these parts! We are plain quiet folk and have no use for adventures. Nasty disturbing uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner! I can't think what anybody sees in them!" Bilbo took out his morning letters, and pretended to read whilst pointedly ignoring the meddlesome wizard.

"Good morning!" He ground out when Gandalf refused to leave. "We don't want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water." He turned to retreat from the meddlesome fool.

"What a lot of things you do use good morning for!" said Gandalf. "Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won't be good till I move off."

"Not at all, not at all, my dear sir!" Bilbo stayed his eyes from rolling. 'Yes, that is _exactly_ what I meant,' he thought. He bit his tongue before continuing. "Let me see, I don't think I know your name?" 'Take _that_ you arrogant-'

"Yes, yes, my dear sir - and I do know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins. And you do know my name, though you don't remember that I belong to it. I am Gandalf, and Gandalf means me!" Bilbo began to leave again, "To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling buttons at the door!" 

Bilbo froze, cold fury growing within him. He smiled, more a baring of teeth instead of a true smile. 'He wanted to play it that way? _Fine_.'

"Gandalf, Gandalf! Good gracious me! Not the wandering wizard that gave Old Took a pair of magic diamond studs that fastened themselves and never came undone till ordered? Not the fellow who used to tell such wonderful tales at parties, about dragons and goblins and giants and the rescue of princesses and the unexpected luck of widows' sons? Not the man that used to make such particularly excellent fireworks! I remember those! Old Took used to have them on Midsummer's Eve. Splendid! They used to go up like great lilies and snapdragons and laburnums of fire and hang in the twilight all evening!" He bit out sarcastically, reminding Gandalf of who he was to the Shire. Not a great wizard, no, a jester, a hoax, a disturber of the peace.

"Dear me!" He fake gasped in perceived shock and worry. "Not the Gandalf who was responsible for so many quiet lads and lasses going off into the blue for mad adventures. Anything from climbing trees to visiting Elves - or sailing in ships, sailing to other shores! Bless me, life used to be quite inter -" Bilbo's thoughts had drifted to his mother and her adventures, and to his father and the home he created to ensure she always returned to him. He shook himself from his thoughts, "I mean, you used to upset things badly in these parts once upon a time. I beg your pardon, but I had no idea you were still in business." Bilbo inwardly snickered at the affronted look on Gandalf's face.

The wizard bolstered quite humorously, "Where else should I be?" said the wizard in a huff. "All the same I am pleased to find you remember something about me. You seem to remember my fireworks kindly, at any rate, and that is not without hope. Indeed, for your old grandfather Took's sake, and for the sake of poor Belladonna, I will give you what you asked for."

Bilbo makes a very unhobbity growl sound that he covered with a delicate cough. "I beg your pardon, I haven't asked for anything!"

"Yes, you have! Twice now. My pardon. I give it you. In fact I will go so far as to send you on this adventure. Very amusing for me, very good for you and profitable too, very likely, if you ever get over it."

"Sorry! I don't want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning!" Bilbo ground out. "But please come to tea - any time you like! Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow!" He briskly turned and stalked in his doorway. "Good-bye!" He spat before slamming it shut.

Once the door was closed, the small hobbit groaned, a tired hand running over his face. "What on earth did I ask him to tea for!" He scolded himself, "I blame father and those awful etiquette lessons."

Now, what one needs to understand about Bilbo Baggins, is that he bakes. Loud neighbours who need to be politely told to shut up? He bakes. Stupid spoon stealing relatives come round? He bakes. Stressed? He bakes. Stupid, meddlesome wizards who come knocking and bring up his dead mother by her maiden name as if her love for his father never matter? Yeah, he bakes. A lot.

So by the time supper came around, the home of one Bilbo Baggins, was filled to the brim with baked and cooked goods, and as he would soon find out, this was a very, very, very good thing...


End file.
